The Ultimate Persona 3 Crack Fic
by Roxius
Summary: I basically wrote this when I was really, really drunk. I thought it was kind of funny, so here it is on the net. Anyway, Minato and the others escape on vacation and purposely leave Junpei behind. However, Junpei won't go down without a fight. CRACK FIC.


"Minato...let's go...it's time..."

The blue-haired teen sat up in bed and saw Yukari and Akihiko standing over him. "We need to hurry," Akihiko said in a whisper, "Mitsuru's outside, waiting in the bus..." Nodding, Minato climbed out of bed and quickly got dressed. Although it was still dark outside, Minato didn't question what was happening; he and the others had been planning this little trip for weeks.

Once he was dressed, Minato followed Akihiko and Yukari downstairs, making sure not to make any noise in the process. Outside, a large coach bus was parked in front of the dorm building. Mitsuru sat in the driver's seat, wearing a bus driver's cap to fit the role. Climbing aboard, Minato noticed Ken Amada and Koromaru sitting in the back of the bus already.

"Is everyone on?" Mitsuru asked once Minato, Akihiko and Yukari took their seats. Ken glanced around a moment before exclaiming, "Hey, where is Jun-"

"LET'S GO!" Mitsuru quickly shouted, slamming the bus doors shut and zooming down the street. Ken let out a cry and fell backwards, his earlier question completely lost into the abyss of thought(?). Once the dorm was out of sight, everyone let out a sigh of relief.

Back inside the dorm room, Junpei was staring out the window as his "friends" drove off. His mouth twitched nervously and his eyes began to pulsate.

"So...I see...they're trying to escape...eh?"

Junpei quickly tossed on some clothes and ran out the door, screaming obscenities into the chilly early morning air...

* * *

About half an hour later, Ken decided to ask about Junpei again. "Did you guys forget about Junpei? We left him back at the dorm..."

Chuckling, Akihiko replied, "C'mon, Ken-kun! Don't you get it? We left him at the dorm ON PURPOSE! You want to know why I told you not to tell anyone about the trip? It's so you wouldn't possibly spill the beans to Junpei! This whole trip is our way to finally get a break from that ridiculous little faggot! Don't you get it, Ken-kun?"

"Well...that wasn't very nice..." Ken said, feeling bad for poor retarded Junpei.

Minato sat up in his seat and, quite furiously, screamed, "NOT NICE? WHO PUT TAPE WORM EGGS IN YOUR TUNA SANDWICH? WHO POSTED PICTURES OF MITSURU AND YUKARI HAVING LESBIAN SEX ON THE INTERNET? WHO SWITCHED THE SHAMPOO AND CAUSED MY DARK-BLUE HAIR TO BECOME EVEN DARKER? WHO MADE AKIHIKO LOOK LIKE A FAG BY PHOTOSHOPPING A PICTURE OF HIS FACE ONTO A PINK BUNNY COSTUME AND HUNG PHOTOS OF IT ALL OVER THE SCHOOL? WHO INJECTED ABOUT 40 POUNDS OF LETHAL POISONS INTO YUKARI'S BODY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? WHO...WHO GAVE MITSURU THAT NASTY ROUND OF FLATULENCE YESTERDAY-"

"Can you get to the point already?" Mitsuru snapped, wishing not to recall that horrible 'gassy' moment of her life ever again.

Sighing, Minato placed a comforting hand on Ken's shoulder and concluded, "In conclusion, my dear boy Ken...Junpei is one of the biggest faggots in existence. The end!"

Ken was about to respond when Koromaru looked out the window and began barking loudly. Akihiko walked over to see what the dog was freaking out about, and...he saw Junpei running alongside the bus.

Akihiko let out a high-pitched squeal and exclaimed, "OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OH. MI. GAWDDDD!! IT'S JUNPEI! IT'S JUNPEI! HE'S COMING TO STEAL OUR SOULS ONCE MORE!"

Yukari turned to Mitsuru. "STEP ON IT, MITSU-CHAN-CHAN!" She ordered.

"AY, AY, MY ADORABLE LITTLE CAPITAN!" Mitsuru slammed down on the gas pedal, causing the bus to rush down the road so quickly that it started to skid off onto the sidewalk, hitting passerby in its wake.

"DID WE LOSE HIM?" Minato asked hopefully.

Akihiko and Koromaru ran to the back of the bus and looked out the window. A lone figure was slowly catching up to the bus. As it came closer, it became obvious...it was Junpei!

"HOLY SHIT, SINCE WHEN WAS HE SO FAST?!"

Minato reached into his pocket and pulled out his Evoker. Holding it up to his head, he snapped, "I'M TAKING CARE OF THIS PROBLEM ONCE AND FOR ALL!" Minato pulled the trigger and reeled back from the recoil. The Persona Orpheus burst from his consciousness and flew out of the bus and towards Junpei.

Noticing the Persona flying towards him, Junpei cackled insanely. "YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME? YOU FOOLS!" Pulling out his own Evoker, Junpei shot himself in the head and summoned Hermes. "NOW, HERMES!" he shouted, "DESTROY THAT PITIFUL THING!"

Within a second, Hermes dashed forward and teared right through Orpheus, completely destroying it. Back inside the bus, Minato let out a cry of pain and clutched his head. "Dammit..." he hissed, the pain in his head becoming unbearable, "Not only is he suddenly super fast, but he's super strong, too! We can't outfight him!"

Akihiko cursed loudly and clutched his fists, unwilling to give up just yet. "If only...if only these Evokers had real bullets in them!" He exclaimed as tears started to spill down the sides of his face. Everyone stared at Akihiko for a while before Ken's eyes lit up. He reached into his purse(??) and pulled out a magazine; it still had about five bullets left in it.

"You can use them..." Ken said as he handed them to Akihiko, "Since Shinji's dead, I don't need them anymore..." Akihiko silently promised Ken he would "thank him" later and immediately inserted all the bullets into his Evoker. Looking it over, Akihiko said, "Hmm...I think we should just test this first...to make sure it works..."

Akihiko aimed the gun at Yukari's leg, pulled the trigger, and, sure enough, it worked. Sure, Yukari was now crying and screaming as her leg seeped blood, but taking out that bastard Junpei was much more important. Akihiko smashed the back window to pieces with his fists and he aimed the gun.

Junpei noticed the Evoker pointing right at his face...and his eyes widened in horror...

"DIE, JUNPEI...YOU SCUM!"

Akihiko pulled the trigger rapidly, using up all four remaining bullets in an instant. Junpei felt searing pain pierce his body as the bullets buried themselves into his flesh. 'No...I can't die now...' Junpei thought as his running speed quickly started to drop, 'I...I need to be with them...I want to go with them...I'm...I'm their friend, right?'

Junpei held out his hand to his friends, but they were soon gone. The bus was too fast, and Junpei wasn't even walking anymore. He just stood in the middle of the street as more and more blood poured from his open wounds.

Raising his head to the heavens, he screamed, "F...FUCK YOU GUYS!!"

With one final sigh, Junpei collapsed to the ground, a puddle of blood soon forming under his body.

Back on the bus, Akihiko let out a sigh of relief and looked back at his friends. He gave them all a thumbs-up and exclaimed, "YEAH! WE DID IT! JUNPEI IS NO MORE!"

Before they could celebrate, though...Ken realized something else...

"Hey...didn't we forget Fuuka, too? And Aigis? What about them?"

Minato laughed loudly and calmed Ken's fears by telling him, "Don't worry, Ken-kun. Natsuki and Ryoji are taking GOOD care of them...heh heh heh..."

For the rest of the trip, Ken pondered on exactly what Minato meant...


End file.
